I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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