I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
