we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
