Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
