When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im about as happy as oj after his trial
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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