Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
