when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
