So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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