i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
