I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
