i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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