On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
