I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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