The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This is my gift to your gina
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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