highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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