last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
