im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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