alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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