my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize