Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
