so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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