are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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