I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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