glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
