you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
