I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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