I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
