So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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