How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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