woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
