I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
