why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
