but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So apparently I’m into choking now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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