alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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