I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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