Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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