My sheets look like a crime scene.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
