I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
