His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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