Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
