he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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