and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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