I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
