I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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