how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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