is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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