I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
