so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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