Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
