a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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