I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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