There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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