Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
