WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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