At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
