they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
