So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
