i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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