sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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