Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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