If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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