I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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